Not So Resolute with the Resolutions!

Happy Holidays everyone! I heard an interesting quote on the radio the other day that the holidays start with us giving gratitude, at Thanksgiving, for our friends and family and end with us making resolutions to better ourselves at New Year’s. I like that perspective on this time of year, which can be so hectic that we lose sight of the meaning of the season. Many of us make resolutions for grand changes that we aspire to make in the new year only to fall short a few weeks or months later.  

In the process of falling short some of us can be pretty harsh on ourselves. Judging ourselves for not meeting our often-lofty goals can intensify negative self-esteem, which in many cases is the motivator for the goals we chose. Change and growth are important parts of life and setting resolutions can help motivate us in those areas. This year set yourself up for success by following these self-care inspired guidelines for creating your New Year’s Resolutions.  

Set Sustainable Goals 

Many of our resolutions are to make drastic changes in our behavior patterns. Make sure that any goals you set are realistically achievable. Start with small steps. Many people’s New Year’s resolutions involve exercise. For someone who does not work out regularly it is a huge change to say you are going to work out every single day. A more realistic resolution would be to work out two to three times per week.  

Along with this we want to be aware of our schedule. What would be the added time crunch of going to the gym or grocery store more frequently (if eating healthy is your goal)? Try to envision how the changes you are trying to make would fit into your life logistically. Factor in driving time, cost, and other details that will impact incorporating the new behavior into your routine. And again, if it is not feasible given your current obligations, change your resolutions to goals that are achievable and more realistic for you personally.  

Decreasing unhealthy behaviors is a great goal. Many of us tend to incorporate absolutes, “Never again will I….”. It can be difficult to stop a behavior that is part of a person’s routine altogether. With any sort of behavioral change it is natural to have lapses where we revert to the old behavior. If your goal is to quit something altogether, say drinking soda, and after a stressful day you have one it can make you feel like you failed in your goals and that you can’t do it. By setting a goal of decreasing a behavior, i.e. “I’m going to go from drinking five soda’s a week to two”, if you have one it doesn’t mean that you’ve failed.  

Make Changes that are Meaningful to You 

Be aware of the motivation for your change. Many changes are motivated by shame or guilt, which often stems from messages we’ve received about ourselves from the outside. Think about the things that are important to you and the life that you want to live. What behavioral steps can bring you closer to living that life? 

If the motivator is a negative arising from a feeling that we are not good enough in some way adding a new behavior may not address what’s underneath. Find a positive motivation for the behavior you are trying to increase or decrease. For example, if your motivation is to exercise because you feel insecure about the way you look, missing a workout can intensify that shame. Put a positive spin on your resolutions and the way you think about them. Focus on the health benefits that exercise will bring you, and how you will feel afterwards to help find motivation in difficult moments.  

Shared Goals 

Having someone else with the same goals can help keep us and them on track. Is there a friend that is looking to incorporate the same change that you are? If so, doing those activities jointly or using each other for motivation can help increase our likelihood of meeting our goals. We want to make sure that the other person is encouraging and positive rather than shaming when they are trying to motive us, and vice versa. Get support when you need it! We all need help sometimes and we tend to feel better after getting that help.  

Set goals for increased healthy behaviors as a family. Whether it’s taking more walks together, a weekly family game night, cooking together, share your new goal and positive motivation with your family. Modeling healthy behavior is a great way to help our children learn healthy habits! 

Build Yourself up! 

Be your own cheerleader! Be aware of your thoughts surrounding your goals and desired behavior changes. Are you being negative and judgmental? Catch those negative thoughts and see if you can put a positive spin on them. As discussed earlier, relapse to old behavior is a common part of change. Instead of beating yourself following a relapse try and learn from it. What were the circumstances that led to you engaging in the old behavior? What is a healthier way to address those underlying feelings instead of the behavior you are trying to decrease? Let one time be one time and focus on getting back on track.  

Accept that you are not perfect, no one is. Keep an overall view of your progress with your goals rather than judging yourself during challenging moments. Change is a process, make it a positive one! 

Written by: Pete Mesrin, LPCC-S, Adapt for Life